[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
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If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”