[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
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This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.