If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
You Might Also Like
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.