@KentWGraham: After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
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@Dschnoeb: I bet Egyptians were all like "Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do" and then came the internet.
@DurtMcHurtt: My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my.. *golf swings* Pennefactor.
@fro_vo: [cemetery] *priest says a final prayer* *harambe's casket is lowered into the ground* *toddler falls in*
@michaelianblack: Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can't find them.