After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
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How dramatic are you?
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
My dating profile:
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Erm I’m gonna say no
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
adding to the discourse
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal