i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
You Might Also Like
Natty or not?
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
*praying for world peace*
God:
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no