After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
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My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers