After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
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The news in a nutshell.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to