If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
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Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.