*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
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“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.