After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
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screw you
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?