After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
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“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with