After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
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Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
This pepper has seen some shit
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.