spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
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CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
My Plans 2020
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I like long walks away from everyone
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing