running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
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Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs