[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
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Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Imagine having a party on purpose.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.