[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
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what’s really going on
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
so much to do
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”