After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
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My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover