After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
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me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.