After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
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My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
new year update: losing everything but weight
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.