(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
You Might Also Like
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no