“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
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You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Swedish for common sense.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Very problematic
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05