Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
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I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
True.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said