MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
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Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
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Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.