After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
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me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*