After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
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Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*