After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
You Might Also Like
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.