[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
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A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
[on my way back to the posting caves]
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix