After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
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What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*