After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.