just leave it at the foot of the bed
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My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose