After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
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Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Ken is short for chicken
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.