@NoogsCorner: After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
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@0point5twins: "I bumped into your wife yesterday" "Oh, where?" "You know the café opposite the S&M club?" "Yes" "Opposite that café"
@BadMikeyBad: Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he's going to take a dump in the minivan, he's not making idle threats
@notacroc: [1st date, opening scene of star wars] ME: *leans over* those are the stars DATE: thanks ME: but you have to wait for the wars
@1Happytwit: You don't need to use your words if you're carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.