After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
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I finally found a reason to live again.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.