After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
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Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times