@loribuckmajor: After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I'm like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
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@angibangie: *Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once: Don't look at me, I already said "Hi" to you.
@TheBlessMess: Dear Coworker, If I'm nodding my head & smiling at everything you've said, this means I'm fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
@MelvinofYork: If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I'm going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
@HatfieldAnne: “IN my period? ON my period? Ooo…maybe use ‘menses’ instead?” I chew my pen thoughtfully. You can't rush a good jury duty excuse letter.