After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
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I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t