[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
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Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
mariah carrie
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.