My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
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All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Damm August got somewhere to be don鈥檛 it
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I鈥檒l never know
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You鈥檙e adorable
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Everyone鈥檚 all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind鈥檚 cat鈥檚 litter box to make him think his cat hadn鈥檛 been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I鈥檝e watched this 17,467 times
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That鈥檚 the third one so far.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I鈥檓 not even remotely funny
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
馃幎I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus馃幎
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn鈥檛 like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.