If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
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Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.