My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
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*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”