[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
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Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Mhm.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines