[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
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Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!