[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
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shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
wait.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Just a phase…
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.