@jazmasta: After grandpa's unfortunate steamroller incident last year, man crush Monday is always a difficult time for me and my family.
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@iluvyogacats: Me: *enters exam room Doctor: Please take off your... M: *unbuttons pants D: ?? M: *pauses* D: GLASSES! D: I'M AN EYE DR DAMNIT!
@DosieDoe: US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
@QwertyJones3: "I'm usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you'll find that I'll really open up." -Automatic sliding doors
@dysalexia: Next time you're on a date and someone asks "Is that your boyfriend or your brother?" smile really creepy and whisper "Both".