god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
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me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}