@jazmasta: After grandpa's unfortunate steamroller incident last year, man crush Monday is always a difficult time for me and my family.
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@birbigs: if aliens show up and they're nice, we'll take them captive. and if they're mean, they'll take us captive. anyway, happy thanksgiving.
@dafloydsta: [job interview] "Tell me one of your long term goals" Sleeping "No, I meant-" *leans in way too close* My answer isn't going to change
@RunwayDan: The word "defenestration" means "to throw someone out a window." Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
@garrettbarry70: A clown sighting was reported at the office this morning but it turns out Karen put her make up on in the car again.