After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
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I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶