After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
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First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]