After how many years should you clean your microwave?
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Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.