After how many years should you clean your microwave?
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Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.