@bridger_w: After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, "I'll keep that in mind" and walk off
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@thenatewolf: *mugger pulls a knife* Mugger: gimme your money Me: well this night took a SHARP turn *later* Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs
@moneebthinks: Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far. Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
@samalmightysam: Some people are like water balloons; they're more fun when you throw them out the window.
@philmann: [me narrating a documentary about narrators] "I can't hear what they're saying cuz I'm talking"