After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
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5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Nomnomnomnom
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
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Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody