OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
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Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I can’t stop watching this.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.