@jeffswarens: After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
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@WineMummy: Him: Didn't you buy that apple pie yesterday? Me: Yeah, so? Him: There's one small piece left. Me: And if you touch it, I'll stab you.
@PinkCamoTO: Autocorrect changed "you flatter me" to "you flatten me" and shit just got really weird.
@Bownuggets: I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
@matt___nelson: I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we're all gonna die in 2012